we spoke several times...once i mentioned human rights festival i went to - i shouldn't have done that...besides boring talks about food, running and nothing more detailed or personal. but tomorrow is a big day. i'm going for a first visit. i have just four hours so i must be before time, to make sure i get in before the tables in the visiting room are taken. i hope its not gonna rain. i have a list of things to buy. for some reason i feel like going to a prison...

YYY

1.

I look in the mirror and I see that this is not me....this is just an image and looks so fake. It is not me...I do not want to be...

2.

The worst days of my life. I did not think of this before..I feel more anxious about my future capturedness...It did not hapen with such a strenght ever before and probably never will again.
I am going to a big hole of the unknown: order, disciplinie, irrationality. I am really scared. I don't want to, but I have no other choice citizen. (or without high rank connections).

3.

I have dedicated last 10 years of my life to support for the people around the world:

-promoting critical positive and thinking and skepticism
-promoting right to privacy
-promoting Declaration of Human Rights
-developing openness, intercultural awareness, and peaceful conflict resolution
-respecting the differences and minorities within the society
-cherishing beauty of the world, environmental and community friendly traveling
-developing ecological way of life

...(sth I cant read)

What if all these are possible?

----------------
These notes, I think, were taken some 5 days prior to conscription.

xxx

I believe I am enough "proper" to be a citizen of this country and enough adult to know about "life."

A democratic state should not impose anything upon or terrorize its citizens.

xxx

I am against the idea that women is a prize for men. Women and men are equal. They are just human beings. Gender differences are created by this state. They use national history, obligatory military service, state-directed media and national education.

I have been to many parts of this country because I wanted to. I have seen the suffering in the eyes of the people. I have also experienced their helpfullness and hospitality. many times. I am glad for that. I am glad that we have many good people in different parts of this country. We have to accept them as they are. Their one and only demand is this acceptance....by the state and by the powerful casts of this country.

Day 2

He called today for a minute... They walked for many hours and waited for many hours, it is cold and raining. They didn't get registered in the end - have no idea what that means- my Turkish not always meets the demands of the moment. Still no info about visits possibility...

XXX1

I do not believe in violence and over discipline in any ways and in no institution even if it is supposed to be for the sake of the nation. Who decides for the nation? It doesnt need a brainwash on daily basis.I have learnt that efficiend and successful communication can be achieved by people's own will and only then there'll be peace ans understanding in this small world. If this is interpreted as an act against the nation, I am against the nation by all means. In the year 2009 when technology has become a part of daily routine, not mentionimg the military, no army is in need of 900 thousands of soldiers any more.

Peace can only be secured by the use of mediation and communication. There is a need for an open platform to discuss every issue. This would bring us to solutions. There's a need for understanding the other side of every idea.

There is no such power in a state to solve the problems in a society with a use of force. Use of power can only postpone the solution and hide it. But no problems can be hidden for long. 

From last weeks...

S.'s notes from last week I guess:

Obligatory military service started in 1927 by the decision of the National Assembly. The only significant debate was about the obligatory military service possibility for the women of the nation.  

Last week I was ordered to go to the Conscription Order Office of the Turkish Armed Forces by my own family. As I was not registered in state records in the place I was born and raised, I had to go to the city my father was proudly registered in. It seemed that he was much excited and proud. However I was very anxious and nervous  

As a matter of fact I was already trying to adapt myself to the upcoming destiny for the last weeks. I made a horrifying visit to the screening of the film "Nefes / Breath", the new block-buster movie in Turkey. The movie was showing the "actual" happenings in a military border station in South-Eastern Turkey in 1993. It was showing the great contradictions in Turkish political reality and Turkish military. 

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.." Jean-Paul Sartre

***

What he also wanted to mention is that there was one women in 1930s in Turkish Air Forces. She was also first female combat pilot in the world - I'm talking about Sabiha Gokcen. She got her first medals for her great dedication to the operation in Dersim. In the "war with feudalism," between 1937-38 few thousands (of course the number changes depending on a source - so let's skip the numbers) Alevi Kurds were massacered. Dersim ceased to exist and until now it was Tunceli ("Tunc" means "bronze" and "el" means "hand, power, possesion") - of course the reason for a change was that "Dersim" was not a Turkish word. And tunc eli refers to national myths etc. making newely conquered/massacered land truly "Turkish" and "civilized."  The irony is that second airport in Istanbul carries Sabiha's name - the first female combat pilot  who participated in mass murder. (Of course only Kurds call it a "massacre"). 

***

And speaking of the conscription - S. signed statement that he wants to join the army, which means he basically volunteered. In a way he was ordered to volunteer.